It is probable that as I sit here hunched-over, my willingness to change and learn further petrifies. Too many years of simple hedonism and sloth has sickened my body, weakened my mind and crippled my spirit. I need stop whatever it is that I’ve learned thus far. Large portions of the damning associative/reflexive patterns people exhibit are often derivatives of painful and highly traumatic events. I am no exception. Still, these painful events are not incredible, uncommon, or unnatural—-- yet my associations, and the behavior born of such associations, have indeed been very unnatural; even malignant and subversive. In order to relinquish this habitually detrimental behavior I need to totally and repeatedly discredit it. I see only two possible ways to abandon my memories and contest my mental/emotional insubordination and that is through immersing myself in activities that are contradistinctive to my usual ones. Different equations do lawfully yield different results, results that are foreign and new to me. If I cannot accomplish this formidable feat within a reasonable amount of time I cannot help but fear the worst, which incidentally would be the alternative, sure-thing, plan to relinquish my memories and incapable disposition. I hope a big tree falls on me (or better yet I hope light falls on me). As I am now I need tragedy to excuse my fruitlessness and unforgivable otiosity, or at the very least, remove me from the equation entirely.
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