A Man Like Me Ain't

A man like me ain't used to much in way of effort and gain; I balk often and act little. I get the fear'o'death jealousy when I back-room witness the success of others. The success-dream they have, they share with all the world, whether the fragile egos of so many are able to accept this primitive fact is only important insofar that the very denial of acknowledging such a basic drive creates psychic problems in most individuals with "higher-ideals". The truth is, we all have, at some basic level, unless impaired at birth or by life (learning), the will to not only survive but the will to thrive. To thrive is to desire more than is required for basic survival and attain more than is needed for basic success; the will to thrive is conceptually infinite.

As natural as it is, I believe the will to thrive is unholy; that which I consciously refute on an almost daily basis, for Glee and Joy and Arrogant Me, in the 'bigger picture' it's very obviously unimportant, right? What does God care about nice-tits, sugar, and lotteries? Yet these assertions also now partially disturb me for they intimate the unimportance of our intrinsic success-drive within the 'bigger-picture' which implies that the importance of a 'bigger picture' is virtually nil, which further implies that the existence of the 'bigger-picture' is also very unlikely.

The life-specific epidemic that is the drive for thriving success has from birth slimed its way into my very being, as it has likewise done to you, but most probably, unlike you, it has teased me for every convoluted idea that's pertained to Holy-justice and morality, for every spider I refused to step on and every first-step I've felt to be too blithe to take. I can read great thoughts by powerful men and feel a World of honeyed-ideologies swarm my head, "hallelujah,I'm a bum!", but I can barely follow their almost convincing truths under my heavy blanket. A cowardly man is a man is a man is the man who's afraid to admit he's more or less regular and his species-first/individual-second normalcy that he's so reluctant to reveal is universally, humankind's very own insatiable ambition. We are born knowing greed as a tool of gratuitous survival, for to have more and more-- and more in store, is to never have less; more is simply less risky even if it causes our consciences to *wince (in some more than others). A regular guy goes out and seems pathetic, shallow and aimless to the more cowardly man, the poser of higher ideals who follows bright ideas only in soap-bubbles and eyes-closed day-dreams.

Is it better to embrace the diffused greed and lust that is disgracefully unacknowledged by my mind or better to resurrect it; to accept it as the reality of being born and living, at this time, in this place, thereby removing the stressing battle of fantastic thoughtfulness and evil (empty) authenticity? Is there a better measuring device than success--- isn't success by definition the only measure?

*(To feel guilty, rightly or wrongly, that�s the very crux of another problem)